The Lonesome Road

The days are starting to get difficult again. It's getting much harder to wake up in the mornings, to be able to eat and actually do something. This is why I enjoy working, 'cause it keeps me busy, awake and always on my feet. But now that I only have one job, and have been working fewer hours, I have a lot more time on my hands. Time that I often choose to waste. Just cause I choose to do nothing, saying I'm too tired and all. I enjoy may days off, but they've become days which are really unproductive. And I knew that it was gonna be like that way before I had a lot of days off. When I only had Mondays off, it was fine, 'cause I do need at least a day's rest. But now that I have three days a week off, it's just not good for me. See, time off isn't so good for me as I get used to it so much, and I end up being lazy. Especially since it's two days straight. If it were like a day at a time, maybe it would be better. Still, I cannot know for sure, but maybe.

I want to work, I really, really do. If not, I want to study. Although I still haven't figured that out yet. But I do know that I want to go back to school. Which brings us back to work, since I have to earn more money to be able to actually pay for school. Though everyone tells me to just get financial aid, I just don't think I can handle it. I don't do well with expectations.

And I still can't stop thinking about what happened Saturday. I remember this line from He's Just Not That Into You, something Justin Long's character said. I'm not so sure of the exact words, but it went something like, If a guy really likes you then he'll do everything he can to be with you. That really hit a nerve, the first time I heard that, and I constantly remember that line. So now, that's what I really want to believe in. No assumptions, no expectations. Just that. I'm trying not to think that there's more to something, especially if there's not.

And yet here I am going down this path again.

I've been here so many times, it's insane.

Apparently I never learn, or I mean I never change.


And I can't help it, that's just the way I was programmed.